The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is a Window into The Rest of the Century.
How economic and technological shifts are changing society, fueling two warring camps
I’ve been accused of many things, but one that rings true for me, as a straight white male, is that I’m practically a basic blond in my tastes: put a pumpkin spike latte in my hand and throw up some trashy TV and I’m good to go.
Friends implored me for months to watch the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives and I finally relented…boy were they right. If you like telenovelas, you’ll love this trashy reality TV show.
But what I found mesmerizing was just how clearly a streaming show unveiled our changing society. We’re living through history, and our reality TV shows are capturing it before our eyes.
We were mostly an agrarian society for eons until a century ago. If you are a Millennial or younger, your parents or grandparents were the last generation born into a world that was nearly identical to every generation before it. Families needed lots of kiddos to make the farm work (literally, more kids = more wealth).
It’s been that way for all of recorded history.
Ditto for economics. Wealth and property were restricted to men, so marriage became a necessity for a woman’s survival. Marriage was the dominant social/economic structure.
But capitalism is acidic. As women were allowed to have their own checking accounts, get loans by themselves, and do everything needed to financially stand on their own two feet, the necessity for marriage dissolved.
History is nearer than we realize. Consider this: women had the right to vote BEFORE they even had the right financial autonomy. It wasn’t until 1974 when federal law mandated a woman could financially have her own financial accounts (banking, loans, etc). If you know a person older than 50, you know someone who was born and lived when women had no financial rights…that’s just so recent…
The pace of change is rapid. Women have far more options today than just a generation before. If your grandma was stuck in an abusive marriage…too bad. She had few options, and pretty much just “make the best of it.” Marriages were more “stable” in the sense that there were fewer divorces; but stability doesn’t mean healthy.
And that’s where the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives come in. What happens when capitalism and modern technology meet?
Evolving Economics and Technology Changes How Humans Human.
I’m only halfway through the second season, but what I’m seeing blows my mind: a stay at home mom with a smart phone and savvy Tik Tok skills can become the sole breadwinner. Many of these Mormon moms are.
The jump from one generation of women to the next is head-spinning.
One mom on the show, Jen Affleck, is married into a typical Mormon family with all the familiar trappings of “traditional family values:” her husband is the “head” of the family, she stays at home with the kids, etc. But, unlike her mom’s generation, she can enforce boundaries—the kitten now has claws.
A generation before, if Jen had a problem, her husband could have just said “I don’t care…deal with it.” And she would have had the same options as her grandma (little to none, just make it work). Now, she has agency and it’s all because of her ability to earn an income through social media. She even said (paraphrasing) “I didn’t realize I had a voice until I started making money through Tik Tok.”
Two key technologies forged this newfound freedom: 1) social media, and 2) the pill.
Birth control freed a woman from an endless cycle of child rearing. Until the 1960s, it was common for a woman to spend 2/3 or more of her life either pregnant or raising kids. But after the pill, it could be less than 1/4. For a typical lifespan, that’s roughly the difference between sixty vs twenty-ish years with kids. A woman’s time freedom today is astronomical.
Throw in social media and a woman can now make money from her kitchen. She’s no longer forced into a 9-5 job to make ends meet. Technology is the economic equalizer.
We are witnessing history, and it’s easy to miss the undercurrents. All these changes are hitting within just a few short generations (1-2 at most). But the speed of change is ripping through a millennia of human culture.
Fast forward the rest of this century…how does all this play out?
Traditionalists vs Moderns
When the pill limits the time a woman spends raising kids, and when capitalism empowers her to earn an income, and then when technology eliminates the friction for her success…well, all the single ladies put your hands up (for a man that’s an equal partner).
The gender wars erupted decades before, but the battles are intensifying today because of these transformational technologies. Again, realize that up until your grandma, life for women was essentially the same for thousands of years: get married and have as many kiddos as you can because the farm depends on it. Your job was to breed success, literally. The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is a window into the unfolding tension between a traditional vs a modern society. As a result…
Marriage is transforming.
The system once, through culture or societal force, held a woman in a prison of marriage. Now, if a dude wants a relationship, he better show up and act right, or she can bounce. Your grandma couldn’t bounce. It’s no longer just lip service to call a wife your “partner.”
Capitalism, supercharged by modern tech, is altering the traditional family.
The traditional view saw marriage as a cornerstone—it’s the primary vehicle to build on for success (get married young, have kids together, and graduate them out of your home by your 40-50s). But the modern view is trending to viewing marriage in terms of degrees: either as a capstone view of marriage—something entered into after you’ve “made it” (mid 30-40s, and maybe have kids). Or, merely a partnership of sorts, to even no relationship at all. The woman has say now.
Young men from traditional families are frustrated the new system requires more accountability in relationships. No more spouting “that’s a woman’s job” while eating cheetos on the couch as your wife is putting the kids to bed, as their fathers might have.
Just follow the money—economic empowerment, amplified by technology, leads to changing social structures. Much of the culture wars are directly tied to this in some way, creating a cultural divide.
And that’s exactly what we see playing out on The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. No matter what the “traditional” group (insert any religious or ethnic group here), they’re angry and terrified. Some are understandable (how do we maintain stability for kids and society…). Others are not (giving them have bank accounts is dangerous…like, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?!).
The traditionalist camp has had millennia to form arguments around the issues of marriage and the family. The moderns view is barely a century old! That’s not enough time establish strong coherent arguments for new family dynamics.
I suspect we’ll likely start seeing more of what I’m labeling the “Kardashian model,” where so long as you can provide for yourself, marriage and spouses are optional. Sperm banks make it possible for a woman to have her own kids, outside of a man. This approach to a family is such a recent phenomenon that we’re still learning what the implications are. But it does force those who enter into a relationship to do more, and try harder…society can no longer force the female to stick around (remember, she’s got a bank account now, people…)
The rest of the century will continue to see the gender wars play out over this question: traditionalist will claim the moral high ground and lob plenty of arguments to back it up, while the moderns will have the real power to vote with their feet. Their justifications may be weaker but let’s be honest too…can anybody reasonable defend “no bank accounts” for women, morally?
So, I’ll keep watching the rest of season 2 and beyond. I want to find out where we go from here, and I think these Mormon Wives might have an idea where we are headed.